Highlights

1. Delaying the boards. I'm taking it on June 19, which means that I get to study everything twice :)
2. Jennifer Knapp/Jars of Clay concert
3. Lunch with John
4. Transitition day


John

Since the boards are looming right over the horizon, I find that my stress level is ratcheting up considerably (cliched but true). What do I do? Instead of studying like I was supposed to, I watched a movie, surfed the internet, etc. It is really discomfiting to me.

Here's a quote from Dover Beach, Matthew Arnold.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Ægean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea

Coming soon ...

Random thoughts percolating from my head
Process and evolution
Death of certainty vs. the triumph of faith
The need for continuing transformation.

Pseudophilosophy alert

Studying for boards made me realize that despite my delusions you can't cram all of reality in a single month. At these moments I find my thoughts continually evolving maybe from a Barthian outlook to something closer to a Whitehead or a Hartshorne. Yet I find process thought to still be highly unsatisfying and I still find my comfort in the first question and answer from my beloved Heidelberg's catechism. By chance I came across the verse accidentally before coming to the computer lab. I Corinthians 6:19. You are not your own, but were bought for a price. Can reality be discerned at a quantum level or is it at a higher level that none of our instruments can measure? We all know Heisenberg's famous law that the mere fact of measurement changes the variables that you attempt to measure. What if the phenomena is greater than anything we can measure? For example, people are still trying to measure the amount of particles in the universe. What if that something is infinitely greater than all the particles put together? Is there any hope for humanity to ever understand what that object might be? Some might find comfort in agnosticism or atheism, but right now I find comfort that I'm in an intellectual wrestling match ... and get this ... I'm losing ... big time. Yet, here is where faith comes in. Faith is not about believing that the earth was created in 6 days. Faith is about harboring seeds of doubt; yet seeking whole-heartedly for the one who bought me for a price. Seek and ye shall find ...


John
P.S.: I believe that my faith in Christ is stronger than it has ever been, but it made me realize that I still need to be transformed. To be continued ...

Board Studying Update III

I've actually been very lax about studying for boards, so right now I'm cutting on corners (ie: maximizing my efficiency) by doing more questions and less reading. We'll see whether this strategy would work or not.

Agnus Dei and Lux Aeternam

I just found out that two of my favorite instrumental pieces have been transcribed to the words in the Requiem and Mass. Very Cool .... Amy was actually quizzing me on my knowledge of French words (I borrowed her dictionary when I was reading Peter Mayle's book). I flunked miserably, but the word for sheep in Latin is very close to the French version. This led to Agnus Dei (ie: Adagio for Strings for voices) --> search on the internet --> Lux Aeternam (ie: Elgar's Nimrod).

Gift ideas: There is a CD which has both of these pieces. So sis, that's another thing you could buy for me :)

Merci beaucoup,

John

Birthday Parties

I'd like to wish Jen H., Norma, Heather, Roseann happy birthday. I can't believe that I was actually debating on whether to study or attend their birthday party :) Hanging out with friends definitely won out. Hint: I would like a fruit torte for my birthday cake (I could care less for cream, chocholate, or icing).

I can't forget all my other good friends with a birthday this month.

Heidi, Chris, Sharon, and Rob.

It seems like all my good friends are having a birthday this month :)


John

Board studying update II

Studying behavioral science reaffirmed the fact that I'm not going into psychiatry. I can study pathophys and path all day (ok I'm exaggerating), but it was really hard to get motivated to study psych. Hmmm ...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna study hematology and gross anatomy. Sounds like fun!


John

Partying

I hadn't planned on going to a party, but Rinde owed me Jamba Juice (long story) so we went Jamba Juice hunting in St. Paul. Should have known better ... nothing happens in St. Paul at night! We then went partying over in uptown. Rinde and Tseganesh were amazing when they did their salsa dancing. However, Murray has all the skills (you can't blame him, he's going into neurosurgery at UCLA). I think internal medicine is for people who can think, but can't dance, and surgery is for people who ... never mind :)

John

Board studying update

Done with Cardio/Respiratory pathophys, path. Need to go over pharm today. Studying for boards is probably one of the hardest things I have to do in my life. Studying is such a solitary activity, and I feel like I should be out there connecting with people. I went to Barnes and Nobles and saw a bunch of medical students studying. That was pretty cool, unfortunately there was a Star Wars convention book signing thing. That definitely reduced the cool factor of the store by 50%. Oh well ...

I looked at some pharm that night, but I'm easily distracted in a bookstore. I ended up perusing books by Marcus Borg (really liberal theologian), Bill Frist (first Dr. in the senate since the 20's), and Lee Strobel. I'll write more when I have some free time.

Good News

I just got into the sheep lab. Learn to intubate, start IV lines, interosseous line, and other cool stuff.


John

Rededicating myself to medicine (Rated R: For explicitly Religious Content)

I've got a confession to make, this year I feel like I've been running on anaerobic glycolysis all year long. To all the nonbiologists out there, ie: been very inefficient in working up to my potential. I can certainly make a ton of excuses, but some of the reasons are

1. procrastination
2. stopped dreaming big dreams
3. fear

This year, I learned early on that I could do just fine in exams no matter how late I started studying for exams. Unfortunately this isn't the case for boards, since there is just way too much information to cram in a week. It's actually fairly scary, since I've not been able to study 8-10 hours consistently for more than several days this year. With the boards coming up, I really need to find a way to study consistently for an entire month. This month is an amazing opportunity for me to synthesize everything that I've learned in medical school. I need to be sure that I don't waste this tremendous opportunity.

Although doing well in the boards is certainly a worthy reason to rededicate myself to medicine, the real reason I'm rededicating my life is that I've had the opportunity to get to know the Goodwin and Helenihi family. This past week, I learned that Kacie has just returned home to Jesus. Her parents have spent almost every single waking moment with her in the hospital for the past 200 days. What would I do if I were her doctor? her parent? her friend? It's true that medicine is not about knowing all the answers, in fact I'm wrestling to see God's goodness in all of this. Yet her parents could still say to me that it is important to love God, even more than Kacie. Where does their faith come from? In her brief life, Kacie has touched thousands of lives from the nursing staff in the hospital to individuals praying for her on the other side of the world. Her story has touched me, someone she has never met. It made me realize how precious life is, even though it is fleeting like a blade of grass. There are stories of triumph as well. I've gotten to know Rob and Evan. These 2 guys are such a bundle of joy, and yet they are so incredibly mature for their age. I just heard back from Kelly and Joe that the test results are better than they expected. Praise God! There are times when I wonder why I'm learning all this minutiae in medical school, but then you have a face, a family instead of a line in a textbook.

In a way, I've broken the cardinal rule of medicine. I've grown attached to these kids -- you start to care too much. I've certainly asked the question,"What can I do?" Hmmm ... I guess the best answer is to care for the patient and become the best doctor I could possibly be. As the author Hebrews wrote, I need to cast every weight and sin (procrastination, fear, you name it) that clings so tightly and look to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith.

Needing to be transformed,


John